What’s That Buzzing in My Brain? Part One: Deep Connections

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What’s That Buzzing In My Brain?

Part One: Deep Connections

I’ll be honest this time it was me who fully set myself up to fuck myself! How was I supposed to know? It was only supposed to be a fun night, maybe two at most! But it turned out to be much more and I had no idea the magic would show up again so soon. I struggled to not title this piece, Part Three: “DAMN IT” of the series on Chemistry Part Two: Can You Trust it? as it can easily be a continuation, but at last I decided I’d make this a whole different thing because it is.

Last Friday night I went to watch The Nutcracker with a couple of ladies and I had every intention for my night to end there, but after the show I decided to stop by a friend’s Ugly Sweater Party before going home. From there everyone at the party decided they wanted to go out dancing so dancing we went. After, while waiting for my Uber to head home a guy with a charming face and a happy smile approached me and that’s actually all I remember about our first encounter was his smile. He was traveling along with two other guys, and well let’s just say I’ve never shied away from a foreigner accent. It seems like that whole night I just kept going with the current of what was unfolding and one place kept taking me to the next. When I finally did make it back home I had all three travelers with me we were like exhausted candles but refused to burn out. After an hour of more shenanigans they said goodnight and called for an Uber. It was to my great surprise to come downstairs the following morning and find them all sleeping on my coaches well most were on my coaches anyway. Perhaps for the first time in history not being able to access an Uber late at night has turned out to be the best and most beautiful misfortune because I was absolutely supposed to be meet these guys.

What was supposed to be one night turned into two which then turned into five (Oopsie). They changed their traveling plans and I changed my “living in Santa Cruz” plans while pretending I too was on vacation. By the afternoon of the second day I had made a connection with one of them. He was the one with my dumb sense of humor, and twin personality, and so how could I turn away? That afternoon we sat on my couch and watched hours of Big Mouth, an animated cartoon that is as funny as is inappropriate so watch it at your own discretion. As we sat together laughing he scooted closer to me and then I scooted closer to him until his arms were wrapped around me. It felt good. It felt familiar. It felt passionate and like something I didn’t want to shut down. If felt like the type of chemistry I call magic but I was confused because it had only been a few weeks since it had last been in my life so how could it be here again so quickly? I was freshly getting over my last momentary relationship so because of this I wasn’t quite sure how to respond, but I went with it, like I said it felt good.

Over the course of the next few days we did everything. I took them to a fancy dinner party that hosted about 50 people and everyone wanted to talk to the French guys it was an impeccable evening. After, we went to one of my soccer buddy’s holiday party and the foreigner and me danced closely for hours as the sweetness between us built. That night was magic! The following days I took them to places like Henry Cowells to see the Redwoods, we went to The Mystery Spot, we went out to eat, we went to karaoke for yet another holiday party where they met even more of my friends, we cooked dinner together, we took walks to catch the sunset, we did it all, but it wasn’t until we hit the soccer field together that my heart was stolen. What can I say? I will always be a sucker for a guy who can play like that. Yum! Nothing get’s sexier! Throughout our time we did not stop laughing, we built our own inside jokes, we would looked at each other tenderly, we cuddled, we kissed, we touched, it was all magic.

What’s also true is that we spent too much time together (ha ha!). When going about making deep connections with someone traveling one cannot spend that much time together that’s where I went wrong. It should have been a quick in and out, that’s what she said, a stupid joke he used so much we should probably retire it. Like I started out saying at the beginning of this blog this time it was me that completely fucked myself. It should have just been a day or two it should have never reached the amount of intimacy, care, and affection it did. I’ve traveled I know better, but I glued so seamlessly with him and with all of them I did not want it to stop, but it had to, and it did.

The night before he left we had an “interesting” conversation on my couch. I’m not quite sure how it even came up and I’m not quite sure if it even needed to come up but I respect his need to talk about it. He told me there was a girl back home he had met a couple of weeks before he left. He said that in the process of the last few days with me he had discovered that he had feelings for her. He told me that when he left to travel for three months he had no intentions of having feelings for her and that they were not together by any means. He told me he felt he could no longer be intimate with me because of this. He told me that this changed nothing about what we had lived together that it had all been real.

Well, pardon my French, but what the fuck? I was pissed and had every right to be. How could it not change everything? I felt robbed of the beautiful experience I had created with him. I felt cheated out of what I thought had been our sweet glimpse of romance. I told him it was pretty fucked up, and he agreed. I told him it would have been better if he didn’t tell me. I told him that it changed everything. This upset him. He insisted it did not change any of it and that we did have a connection and that what we had lived was real. He told me that he cared about me. None of that made sense to me anymore.

I asked him how long had he known he had feelings for her and he said within the last two days and that was the point that I lost it. For two days this guy had been in an inner struggle of having feelings for a woman while spending time with another. I told him that was pretty fucked up and that he should have told me sooner. He apologized and agreed that he should have told me sooner. It was too much for me to receive his apology at that time because all I could think about was how I felt cheated out of an experience I was sure I would cherish the rest of my life and if I would have known two days prior that he was starting to shift I too would have started withholding my affection and my touches from him. Instead I felt like an idiot who kept going at speed while he had already stopped that car all together. I felt vulnerable and hurt.

Here’s where the whole thing gets transparent and raw though. The brutal truth is that I know the precise moment when his energetic shift happened. I know where we were laying, what I felt and when I felt it, and when I knew there was something different and I said nothing I did nothing. I remember as it continued to build observing that his body language was different, his eyes were different his touch was different everything was different. It was all there for me but I just couldn’t accept it. I remember thinking, hmm maybe his heart is closed, when the truth is his heart wasn’t closed but he was closing it to me. How could he not he was starting to wrestle with discovering he had feelings for another girl. Maybe he did the best he could or maybe not but the truth is it doesn’t matter. What matters is what came to me as a result of going through this experience with him that’s the gem, but before we get to that let me tell you how we ended.

That night after our emotionally charged talk we found some crumbs of resolution and so I went to bed. Really early the following morning when I came back downstairs we snuggled for the very last time. It was tender, loving, and soft as it had been the first time. By late morning we all said our sweet goodbyes and they were gone.

Physically what I have left is a soccer ball they bought me the day before they left it was his idea to gift me this. On it they wrote a whole bunch of our inside jokes it’s probably the best gift I’ve received in years. I love sentimental and intentional things like that. Buying a soccer ball and taking it a step further by writing a bunch of cuteness on it not only speaks to the writer in me, the soccer nerd in me, but it also speaks to the softy in me. Although he absolutely should have told me about his dilemma earlier I’m not justifying the fact that he made the decision not to I am also at peace with it. I trust his intentions because I know his heart. This is not that type of guy to be ill intended or to try to just get something from me and I know that fully so our deep connection and fleeting romance stays sweet. It’s been a couple of days now since they’ve been gone. Spiritually what he gave me was a piece of the puzzle of love I had been missing. It’s the gem of it all so let me go back to the point now when I knew the exact moment he had shifted yet chose to ignore it. Find it in my next blog …

What’s That Buzzing in My Brain? Part Two: The Bottom Line

Til’ then be well my friends. Thanks for reading. Don’t forget to follow me on Facebook and Instagram.

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Chemistry Part Two: Can You Trust it?

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Chemistry

Part Two: Can We Trust It? 

“Attraction is an amazing phenomenon, a wondrous example of a complex interaction of mind and body.  ~Charlotte Kasl, Ph. D. 

Let me just start with the spoiler alert: chemistry most definitely cannot be trusted! But if you are someone like me who absolutely needs dumbstruck chemistry in order to even consider going on a date with someone, does that mean I’m fucked if I can no longer trust it? Is there a way to outsmart chemistry so that it doesn’t lead me to another let down? How do we master attraction so that we don’t continue to make the same mistakes? How many times has attraction, and I’m NOT talking about the superficial kind you can have with a blue-eyed guy at a bar those ones are easy, NO! I’m talking about the heart, brain, and soul connection that invites you to fly high, how many times has that type of chemistry lead you astray? At this age, I have arrived at having zero confidence in my judgment for my judgment can often be wrong.

A month ago exactly today I met yet another promising guy. What I will say about him is that it’s the closest I’ve gotten to what I’m mindfully inviting… so close! Intelligent, check (although almost to a fault), witty, funny, playful, check, check, check, physical attraction, check, career in tact, check, talented musician, bonus check, bla bla blah these are all the givens I’ve written about numerous times. What stood out to me about him are two things that are hard for me to find in men, that is he “appeared” to be stronger than me, and his emotional maturity is one that has not been matched by any guy I’ve dated. Naturally because of this in the process of getting to know one another I could feel he was someone I could potentially fall for although my guard was never fully down or at least I was fighting it. Like I mentioned earlier I no longer trust my judgment so when going about getting to know someone I am asking all the hard questions upfront ones he had an assuring answer to and didn’t seemed faced by. 

In addition to the organic tasteful chemistry that came with our innate twin personalities we had some unique things in common. Like our fascination for kung fu movies, this was the first connection that made me pay attention to him, then came certain sayings that we’ve chosen to identify with, and the numerous occasions where we’d say something the other was thinking, or the weird moment he was wearing a Golden Girls T-shirt the same night I made a reference to the show. It was one of those odd moments in time where you’re pleasantly surprised and I think it’s safe to say that at first we fell in love with our personalities and it did not take long before we were smitten.

We are two rare birds so nothing about our connection was ordinary not even the way we went about meeting. We met online at first for what appeared to be a decade of messaging and when we decided to meet in person we both shared how nervous and scared we were although I argued it was probably due to the built up fantasy we had created. Nonetheless, he was confident we would be fine because we liked each other but I was not as convinced due to past experiences. Still when we met he ended up being the one right and nothing about our first date went as planned. After that night I knew he was someone who would be in my life and so I held no reservations. Okay maybe just a few reservations all due to my fears of reliving old stories but regardless of this I put one little step after the other fighting myself along the way I allowed myself to go with the unraveling.

I don’t know what else I can say we had a lot of fun together, and even though it was beautiful the moment was shortly lived. Although he had all the emotional availability in the world he didn’t have the time (ha ha) I’m laughing cause I’ve now added “real time availability” to my sacred list which is kinda ridiculous. Also I firmly believe that when you like someone enough you make the time for them although with this particular situation maybe he actually didn’t. Who’s to say I just gotta go with my gut instinct and something was not lining up so I had to let him go. Before we had our goodbye talk I had arrived at a really good place. I had taken the last couple of days prior to the talk to examine it all and got myself to a peaceful place with it. Nothing in me wanted to walk away from this quite yet but more dominantly nothing in me wants to repeat being with someone who is not going to be available. Shamelessly what I require is to be met with the same amount of dedication and care that I provide. If someone is not able to provide that there is not fault in that you cannot give what you don’t have. Before departing our ways I had read the following words, which I think really has helped on my path:

“If you want to maintain your equilibrium and keep a clear mind, or if you’ve had a history of troublesome relationships, err on the side of the turtle. Go slowly, which is another way of saying ‘Be Conscious.’ Staying conscious can be difficult because our survival instincts want to avoid discomfort and have things be defined and settled. But that’s not possible in the early stages of dating because there are so many unknowns. You don’t know if the attraction will remain. You don’t know if the person is good as he or she seems. You don’t know if it will lead to a commitment.”

~ If the Buddha Dated

Perfect words! So what have I learn about fucking chemistry? I have learned there is nothing greater than to not be attached to any particular outcome. I am also learning that there is no right or wrong. There is only what serves you and doesn’t serve you. If you try something and it doesn’t serve you just shift away from it. This has helped me eliminate any self-judgment and the “I should have” mental trap that comes when overanalyzing dating. In other words, if you did something you feel regretful about don’t fault yourself for it just shift it next time. I have learned that although my judgment can be faulty my gut I can fully trust. This is the strangest paradox that forces me to be mindful and examine all my actions and reactions and consider all his actions as well. It’s all there we just have to have the eyes to see it.

Sure, attraction is a powerful phenomenon that takes place in the sacred space of the brain sending messages all the way down our pants leaving us weak in the knees maybe even powerless and also attraction is a path that should be lived consciously, moment by moment, operate from your most authentic self and don’t worry about the outcome. On the same token don’t ignore what’s happening. Pay attention to all of it because all of it can serve you. What does the person have to give, what is the person willing to give, how much energy does the person have in giving at this time, then ask yourself the same questions in regards to yourself. Surely if something is not working for you there’s no sense of staying in it because then you’re just gonna suffer. I’m not pretending to have mastered the dance between surrendering the heart and guarding the heart cause God knows I have no freaking idea how to give myself to one while letting go of the other. For me this has always been the tension how do I let my guard down after experiencing so much disappointment while simultaneously give myself to the beautiful moment taking place? No clue, but what I do know is that this last round I did it a little more consciously, and a little more gracefully, and a little more openly. Maybe that’s the key when we enter the process of intimacy we should enter with the wisdom of the turtle, and with less reservation, more grace, and a whole lot of magic.

“Beyond ideas, there’s a field. Will you meet me there? ~RUMI

Thanks for reading my friends. Be well. Per usual don’t forget to follow me on Facebook and Instagram.

Chemistry Part One: “Easy Like Sunday Morning”

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Chemistry

Part One: “Easy Like Sunday Morning”

I was watching The Bachelorette the other night. YES! The Bachelorette, don’t judge me! In this particular episode, the guy she was spending time with was describing their connection as a fairy-tale while on the other hand she was describing it as something “too good to be true.” I lost count of how many times she said she was skeptical and was waiting for the other shoe to drop. So I got to thinking, if it seems too good to be true, is it? Do things have to be complicated for us to feel “right?” After so much heartbreak and disappointment is having things be easy too hard?

I was sharing with one of my best guy friends a couple of weeks ago that I’m not dating much these days. I told him that no one has really caught my eye in a long time, and felt indifferent to most guys on the apps. I told him, quite excitedly if I may add, that I was waiting for “the butterflies” type of connection again. I told him it had been over three and half years since I’ve had that shortness-of-breath-caught-off-guard type of chemistry, and I was longing for it. Except for the fleeting moment I shared with the Tinder guy described in “Oops I did it Again.” My friend’s facial reaction was a little condescending, or maybe, like The Bachelorette, he too has lost faith in that type of connection? Maybe I sounded naive to be wanting this but why is it so hard for us to expect butterflies? Is it now ridiculous for us to wish for the type of chemistry that sweeps us off our feet? In a modern world of online dating, social timidity, splitting the bill on the first date, and death to chivalry, is death to the butterflies the new black?

A couple of days after this conversation I browsed OkCupid and noticed a guy. I read through his profile and afterward sent him a message. About a week later he responded and said that he had been on the East Coast visiting friends and apologized for the delayed response. Like his profile, his message was thorough, thoughtful, and aware. One long message led to the other, and in each he kept validating me for the work that I do and did not hold back from stating his admiration. I was doing the same. We kept our back and forth messaging dance for a while, and at one point he stated that he felt redundant for how many times he was saying that he agreed with what I was saying and silly for how many times he continued to say he admired me. Again I was doing the same. I told him that our connection felt natural and easy. He agreed. We shared a lot of heart filled and intimate things but it didn’t feel scary or out of place, like I said it felt organic. There was something about our messaging that felt familiar, like I already knew him or had known him. Maybe that’s one of the beautiful mystical feelings that come when you operate from an unguarded and vulnerable place. Still this felt “too” easy. He proposed we meet and ride our bikes down to the beach over the weekend.

The day of our date, he had packed a picnic, a blanket, and some wine. I waited at the wrong beach originally; apparently there are two beaches with the same name. So I headed over to the right beach and as I pulled up on my bike and in real life I was not disappointed. I rode behind him towards our destination and I noticed I felt a little queasy in my stomach, nervous, like I had butterflies. I paid attention to this because let’s just say that never happens— at least it has not happen in a significantly long time. I’m fairly comfortable with meeting people. It’s rare I get nervous but I kinda like it when I do. I paid attention to this because there before me was what I had been asking for, and just a few days earlier had been talking about. Our connection was exactly how I had imagined it, “easy like Sunday morning.” Light, playful, deep, and transparent. Humor, check! Intellectually stimulating, check! Physical attraction, check! Self-aware, check! We glued seamlessly. We were supposed to meet for only a couple of hours because I had pending plans with friends. The two hours flew by and the easiness in chemistry enticed me to stay longer. So I did! After nearly four hours and as the sun was setting we packed our stuff and rode all the way to my driveway where he kissed me goodbye.

Originally before meeting him in person I didn’t want to tell anyone about him because I did not want to jinx it. I know I’m a freak and believe in these kinds of things. I failed at this attempt when the words slipped out and I told a girlfriend I was practicing yoga with. As soon as the words left my mouth I wanted to catch them quickly and shove them back down where they belonged but it was too late. Damn! There was another part of me that didn’t want to tell anyone because you never know how differently you’re going to feel after meeting someone in person, and most often than not I’m not moved by my encounters. I did feel smitten this time and I continued to do so for a good 48 hours.

The following day we met again. The moment we locked eyes was as sweet as it had been on the beach the day prior. Our hanging out was as easy as ever. He met a lot of my friends that day, and rode with me to visit other friends. Under any other circumstances I am the first to admit that this was a lot for a second meeting, except with him it felt natural. It felt like two kids playing together on the playground…except, for all of the sexual chemistry between us. After hanging out for hours and well past both our curfews we went back to his house for a midnight talk and a midnight cap. The midnight cap was fine the midnight talk not so much… well let’s just say it’s a matter of perspective.

Earlier before meeting me again he had read most of my posts. He said he loved it, agreed with my observations, and admired my ability to put it all out there. He said he wasn’t intimidated by it, but enjoyed reading through it. This of coarse opened up the space to talk about life as well as our previous relationships, but more importantly, where we are currently as far as dating goes. We sat outside his apartment on the second floor overlooking the ocean and moon, and we talked for what seemed to be hours. During this time he shared he was freshly out of a 6-year relationship- one in which he had been living with his ex and had been convinced he was going to marry her. It had only been but a feeble few months since the breakup. Damn! The words came pounding down because this was the third guy I felt this type of deep energy with in the last several years and just like the previous two he too was coming out of serious relationship. The only difference is the other two were actually coming out of a divorce months before meeting me, but he might as well have been doing the same. Honestly at that moment I felt a little numb because I actually couldn’t believe it was happening again. Is there a sign on my forehead that says that if we have magic together your prerequisites must include you coming out of a heart drenched relationship?

He told me that he’s taking some time to heal his heart and work on himself. He told me that our connection was special. He told me it’s significantly rare how intimate we’ve gotten in such a short period of time. He told me he didn’t mind it. He told me that if I were willing he’d like to continue hanging out and that we had met with a purpose and that we should still be in each other’s life. I told him most likely that would not happen but I’d give him that night. He told me that he could offer me a friendship and hoped he didn’t have the same fate as the tinder guy. I told him I most likely couldn’t be just his friend, and was not in the market to entertain another year long casual relationship. I added that this conversation felt premature. He told me that was ridiculous and we had to be friends because of the way that we were connected now. I told him I didn’t see that happening. He repeated that our connection was rare. I told him it didn’t matter. He told me that I did not understand where he was at, and what he had just came out of. I told him I did understand. He repeated that just recently he had been convinced this was the girl he was going to spend the rest of his life with and it had only been a couple of months since the breakup. I sat with that for a little bit, and energetically did finally feel and hear where he was in his process. So after I let go of My story, and after I omitted My attachment, I told him… okay we could be friends.

Thanks for reading, and as always thanks for following my blog. Please share it with your friends. Drop me a comment on Facebook or Instagram. Appreciate you much. Take care my friends.

 

Haunting, Daunting, Relationship Patterns Part Two: “Poof, I Made My Patterns Disappear”

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Haunting, Daunting, Relationship Patterns

Part Two: “Poof, I Made My Patterns Disappear”

A friend once told me in a light playful way that she keeps attracting the same guys, guys that are much, much younger than her. She told me she wouldn’t actually consider dating them but at least they’re fun to make out with. Another friend told me that he always gets girls that don’t want to commit to him but want to keep him “around.” A different friend told me that she feels she always gets the guy that she “fixes” so that he can go on to marry someone else. Actually numerous girlfriends have told me they feel they’re the girl he dates before he meets his wife to be. I myself have shared in this remarkable recurrence a couple of times. A newer friend shared with me that he’s still recovering from his last girl, a girl that wouldn’t commit to him because he didn’t make enough money. When I told him that not all girls are like that and that it could have been a singled out experience he said, that this was the third girl in a row who wouldn’t date him because he wasn’t rich. I told him, that it could then come down to the girls he’s attracting or maybe he is picking. I too seem to attract my own series of men enough of a theme for me to finally pause and examine. It all boils down to PATTERNS! Are they beyond our reach? If we keep dating the same type of person and it’s clear it isn’t working why do we keep doing it? Are we all just addicts?

One of my teachers, Bob Proctor, says “You cannot be free until you know exactly what it is that governs, shapes, and directs your behavior and ultimately, your results. If you’re not careful, your thinking and results can be controlled by your paradigms. Paradigms are your mindsets. Your ideas, the little habits that your brain has developed over the years. The “operating system” on which your mental processes run.” Later he goes on to say that ALL behaviors and patterns can be changed, but it requires a rewiring of the brain. He seems to believe people can change.

Another one of my teachers, Don Miguel, says, “If you learn to control your own reactions, then you can change your routines, and you can change your life.” He goes on further and explains that you have to start hunting all your reactions in order to be aware of your patterns. Once you’re aware of your patterns then you can choose to react differently and only then can you change your life. He too feels a person can change.

But what about the saying “can’t teach an old dog new tricks?” How many times have you heard people say that people can’t change? Should it be more like people won’t change? There are so many things engraved in our thinking that suggest that once you are who you are you don’t change. After all how many times have you repeated the same story? I think it’s easier to agree that you can’t change people, but is that also applicable to us? Can we change ourselves? If Bob Proctor is right, is there a way for us to change our patterns so that we don’t keep dating the same person time after time?

The other day I saw a guy I used to have a major crush on. I actually asked him out at one point. He told me he would love to go out with me and that it would be an honor, “ we can do whatever you want to do,” he said. Long story short he never followed through. Maybe it was because of something I did or said. All our communication was through text messages so who actually knows right? But he ghosted me. I had the same emotional reaction I’ve always had when a guy doesn’t show enough interest in me which is to get completely stuck on the fact. Everything in me wanted to text him something flirty to reopen our conversation. It had been a couple of years since I had shifted this behavior of not forcing things and being okay with letting it be what it’s going to be. I didn’t want to relapse but I won’t lie it was like fighting some major demons that day. For some of us once we’ve established that someone is “unavailable” the chase is on!

I’ve always been stupid that way, or maybe it’s just our human condition to want what we can’t have. I use to do this thing where if a guy seemed unavailable I would get fixated on getting him to like me. Yea I know it was a shitty pattern, and although that version of me feels so distant and unfamiliar now I still have days where I want to fallback into that pattern. It took a lot of work and chasing my own reactions to figure out how to sit with that pull to regress to unhealthy behaviors until those feeling pass.  I never did text him again. I held my tendencies of wanting to control the outcome, went through the emotions of feeling dissed, and then after a long while I let it go. It had been almost a year since this experience with him and the other day when I saw him I wanted to talk to him. I was still physically attracted to him. I could feel “the want” bubbling up inside me so I uncomfortably went through the motions for as long as they were there, but I didn’t make a move towards him and I didn’t say a word to him and this is why…

Plainly, it feels good to know what I’m worth! I know what I want and a man I have to go chasing around is not it. I have too many guys that do want to date me to spend any more time on guys that don’t. It’s that simple! It was a harsh pattern to change, but I did change it. There is no such thing as “poof, making your patterns disappear.” They don’t just go away. The process can be brutal, and the main fight was against myself.  It took me a long time to see my beauty, now I covet it. As soon as I shifted that behavior I also shifted the way guys started pursuing me, and that I wouldn’t trade. So even though it burns when a person doesn’t like me, I try to not sweat it too much. Why bother? It’s sounds cheap, but I really know what I have to offer so I’m waiting on the man that I want to offer that to.

I believe that everything inside of us is in our control and therefore can be changed. We can decide to start making new decisions when it comes to relationships because the alternative is that if we continue to make the same choices we will continue to suffer. It has been my experience that when you take a hold of your patterns they free you. I have no remorseful feelings with that guy because he was only operating from what he knows and what he has to offer. For me that behavior will always be snaring, but I know it will never be enough so I no longer chase it. I’ve come to hold high feeling healthy and wholesome above most things. I totally believe every undesirable pattern we have can be overcome but you have to work with yourself at every moment. Give yourself the grace you need when you mess up and then keep going. Little steps at first. Little shifts, then bigger ones until one day you wake up to find the person you once were you no longer are. It’s cheesy but it’s true first you have to fall in love with yourself then you can know how you want someone else to love you.

“Everything is there for us, but first we need to have the courage to open our eyes, to use the truth, and to see what really is.” Don Miguel

Thanks for reading. Thanks for following me on Facebook. Be well my friends, and love yourself!

Haunting, Daunting, Relationship Patterns Part One: “Oops I did it Again”

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Haunting, Daunting, Relationship Patterns

Part One: “Oops I did it Again”

I have a birthday coming up in a week, and what is it about birthdays that are notorious for self-reflection? As I’m about to get “older” and hopefully “wiser” I’ve been reflecting on and I keep coming back to a particular theme… behavioral patterns, do we ever escape them? Are we forever conditioned to repeating the same experiences, same stories, same behaviors, same reactions, and therefore the same years? How about when it comes to lovers do they all look the same? Do we find ourselves frequently attracting the same type? Have you found yourself dating the same person over and over again?

Back in March after writing What Does a Girl Gotta do to get a Date Around Here? I decided to create an OkCupid account along with Tinder to try and meet guys more intentionally. On Tinder I met a guy. His profile was very short and vague, but something stood out in the few words he shared. Maybe it was in the sincerity reflected through his pictures so I swiped right. The first time we messaged each other we messaged for two or three hours. We had instant and effortless chemistry. We had so much to talk about and we also didn’t hold back from talking about taboo topics. It seemed like everything was out in the open, on the table, and ready to be dissected. He mentioned he loved vulnerability so the sky was the limit. For those of you that know me, you know that going deep with someone is what I’m made out of, give me the real shit people, so when I saw his willingness to be unguarded I was intrigued. During our three-hour sesh we discussed his relationship status, which was “not looking for anything serious.” We went into detail about why that was and it had everything to do with what he was coming out of. So I respected his wishes and left it alone. I told him I wasn’t interested in anything casual.

There weighed our dilemma. Here we were having a deep effortless connection with tasty flirty witty chemistry… just like I like it, but on opposite ends of the spectrum. After we concluded our conversation that night I resolved not to reach out to him again. I decided that although I loved our connection and would have loved to explore more of our potential I had been down that road before with numerous other guys and it was just not something I was interested in repeating. No more unavailable guys please.

Well that will power lasted two weeks. Which is actually a very long time for me so cut me some slack people (ha). I messaged him those two weeks later and he responded almost immediately. The conversation took off and we were right back to where we left of…right back to the effortless connection with tasty flirty witty chemistry, just like I like it! We joked around with each other, and I asked him how many times he had come back to my profile.  I also asked him about how many times he had thought about me in the two week gap which apparently was a lot. I don’t know how else to explain it other than when it’s there, it’s there, and the hardest thing to do is walk away from someone when the spark that is sooo hard to come across is there. This was the second time we messaged and it was again several hours long, maybe the entire day. During our talk we kept revisiting the same dilemma, which was he’s not available for anything serious. In addition, his work would be replanting him somewhere else in the country, come June. Now, it’s not that I was ready or needing something serious it’s just that I knew he was someone I could not be “just casual” with. Again when you know, you know. At the end of that conversation I sent him a link to my blog in attempt to scare him off. I’ve been told this blog is intimidating. The following day he told me he had read all my blog posts and said he shared in a lot of my opinions and observations in regards to relationships. After reading them he finally agreed that we could no longer be just casual. For about a day we kept swapping places on whether or not it’d be a good idea to meet. He felt confident that he would be okay and remain unattached and I didn’t, then I would feel confident I would be okay with it and he wouldn’t. So naturally the tension built and we finally agreed on meeting at a restaurant the following day with no expectations and no strings attached.

This was the first time I’ve met someone in person from the dating apps that the “digital” chemistry if you will, transferred over to real life chemistry. Our conversation was easy and so was our connection. The two hours flew by and it felt like twenty minutes. The real life chemistry transferred over to real kissing chemistry and everything that had been there from the very beginning of that first message was there when we hooked up. Like I said, when you know you know. That night when we both went to our separate plans we continued to message each other. Two days later he flew out on his trip. We agreed not to text while he was gone in efforts to keep with what he had said from the beginning which was he wanted to remain unattached emotionally which from the beginning I agreed to. A week went by, and then I decided to text him something light and flirty. No response. A few days later still no response. Finally, a response but it was not the one I wanted. He said he wanted to continue NOT texting while he was gone, but had asked me earlier if it was okay to call me when he got back into town. I sat with that for a little bit and responded by telling him I was just saying hello and that I was not attached to him or a precise outcome, which was actually absolutely true. I sat with that a little bit longer and then finally decided to do what I should have done after our very first conversation, so… I deleted our match.

Not sure what he would have responded if I had given him a chance to. Not sure what would have become of our connection when he got back, but if it’s anything like my track record it would have turned into a casual something for infinite months to maybe even a couple of years. Not sure if it would have turned into anything at all, his job was after all relocating him. BUT what I am sure about is that the thought of repeating this pattern I have with men had been daunting since when I first swiped right. That night after being clear headed and after having a moment of infinite power I decided I was finally ready to swipe left on this behavior…so I did. I want to make it crystal water clear that I don’t think this guy did anything wrong. He was from the inception of our match forthcoming about his intentions and where he was at in life. I appreciated that about him. Honesty is my way of life regardless of how brutal it can sometimes be. We have to be honest and the other person is responsible for agreeing or declining what we are communicating. I fell into my own pattern choosing to swipe right when he clearly stated he was unavailable. I guess I was taken off guard by our connection, but in the end none of the justifications matter when it comes to examining our patterns.

So then the question becomes would I do it over again? Would I engage him if I ever saw him again knowing the outcome? Well, this brings me back to the topic at hand, PATTERNS! What do we do about them? Can they be overcome? Or am I just going to continue recycling the same stories, same experience, same men? Is it true that as we get older we also get wiser? I mean after all I did make what was for me the hard decision to delete his contact. Maybe growth for me was not letting it turn into a casual something for endless of months? Do we need baby steps towards letting go before we can actually let go of a damn pattern? This brings me to my next story…

Find it in my next blog.

Thanks for reading. Leave me your comments, thoughts here or on Facebook Page. Be well.

What Does a Girl Gotta Do to Get a Date Around Here?

photo posh black dress

What Does a Girl Gotta Do to Get a Date Around Here?

 This is the story of a girl in a small town.This is the story of hundreds of girls in the same damn town. This is the story of thousands of thousands of women in small towns from coast to coast. Hell this is the story of women across the F’ing map regardless of it being a small town or big city, or am I the only one NOT getting asked out?

I was sharing with a girlfriend a couple of weeks ago that I might want to try Match.com. She immediately discouraged the idea and told me not to bother. In short she said, “Match sucks!” Alrighty then, I thought! I told another friend I was interested in trying a dating website to start meeting men more intentionally because God knows the ones I meet organically shy away from asking me out. She also discouraged the idea, popped open her phone to show me her “Match” experience. I felt her pain. I also told a close guy friend (to get a male perspective) about my interest in trying online dating and he also sarcastically said “good luck.” “Well, what the hell then how do I meet men?” I asked,  “You don’t!” He said. Just kidding he didn’t actually say that but he might as well have. I have since spoken to numerous people, men and women, about online dating and they have all equally been displeased with their experience. Wel’p, that leaves me with… serious contemplation to declare celibacy and a damn vibrator.

I was talking with a friend from soccer after our game last week about my appeal in writing this blog. He playfully injected, “How do ‘You’ get a date around here, ‘YOU’ simply just do!” I laughed over his kind joke and told him that guys tend to not ask me out. They look at me plenty but never actually make a move. He responded that a girl like me is too freaking awesome and therefore intimidating and guys are probably too timid to approach me. Although that’s sweet and flattering I told him that, that still leaves me without a date. I can’t remember the last time I was asked out. I bring this up because of a very important issue to address… if a woman is “awesome” and men view her as being “intimidating” does that mean we’re subjected to not being asked out? I mean do I have to make myself totally weak and stupid to get a date around here? And all the ladies said…

My girlfriends and I often say that if that’s the case and a guy is too scared to ask us out then that’s not the guy we want anyway because what we want is a guy with a strong backbone. The problem with that is we’re all still single because guess what it appears that all the ones with backbones are hiding perhaps on another planet. Endless of men have told me that they’re attracted to strong women. I’ve heard so many guys say that confidence is attractive and that what they want is a strong independent woman, BUT is that actually true? I see no evidence of this! Maybe what I should be asking is where are these men making such extravagant, lavish claims? Did they all die already? Or are they perhaps in the forest cutting down trees? If they are alive and in the forest, what’s the quickest way of getting there…

Most of the women in my life, girlfriends that I see regularly are badass strong, beautiful, successful, athletic, funny, kind, just “the whole-package” type of women and guess what most of them are single and don’t get asked out very often. That absolutely has nothing to do with them, but everything to do with something I can’t figure out yet. What is it? Is it because of the Peter-Pan epidemic? Is it fear of rejection? Is it because the Apps are the new “normal” for putting yourself out there? Has online dating replaced real intimacy? Is it because the Apps have substituted actually putting effort into asking someone out? Is it because the Apps have ruined everything sacred, holy, and wholesome in this world? Probably!

Okay so for the men reading this whom might be feeling like this is really one-sided I’d like to ask, do men now expect women to ask them out? I mean do guys actually want us to start asking them out? Should girls just take control of the situation and start dropping some hot one-liners? Things like “Do you believe in love at first sight? If not I’ll walk by again.” Or randomly walk up to a guy and say “sorry for making you wait” sit down across from him and see what he does. Later just blame it on fate? No? Okay then what do you guys want? Do you guys want to be the pursuers or not? If so, you gotta start doing it because guess what every day that you don’t an angel dies because God is pissed off that you are violating his godly order.

The main problem I see with having girls be the ones to start asking men out is: if we’re gonna start taking over everything what the hell do we needs guys for anymore, like at all? And all the lesbians and extreme feminists said… here, here! Okay fine that’s not the main problem I see. The main problem I see is that I think that if we start pursuing men this is going to create a shift in our feminine/masculine energy system. This is the central issue I personally have been dealing with because it’s not that I have a problem with asking a guy out but that I think it’s hard to maintain or establish the feminine/masculine roles when the girl is doing the pursuing. And in every relationship regardless of gender there is always a feminine/masculine role.

So how do we as women find balance in holding to our feminine role while moving forward in asking men out? Or am I taking it too far to one end of the spectrum? Maybe! But for me it has been difficult figuring out this dance. The times when I’ve asked a guy out it’s like he assumes that I want to continue being the one to initiate so the expectation becomes exactly that. If he’s shy I can make the first move, but I don’t want to fall into being the one initiating all the time. The thing is that I’m pretty type-A so being in control comes easily to me, but that’s not what I want in a relationship. I want a guy who’s not afraid to show interest in me, and confidently comes after me that’s what I want. That’s what every woman I know wants.

I want to make it clear that I’m not suggesting that my way is the right way. I think everyone has to figure out what they like and how they want things. For me I know that I’m old fashioned and a girl like me absolutely likes to be the one pursued and not the other way around. I’ll go as far as to say that most women, at least the ones I know hold this same interest. Maybe guys are confused and they believe that women aren’t interested in talking to them BUT here’s a free giveaway… GUYS we absolutely love when you talk to us and especially when you directly ask us out. I’ll even add that we’re actually waiting for that. And honestly if you see a woman you’re attracted to and you want to ask her out, what do you have to lose? Maybe she’ll say no but who cares if she does, honestly. Move on and ask someone else out. If you’re shy and think that an awesome girl who might seem intimidating won’t want to go out with you, you might be surprised to learn that you might be exactly who she’s waiting for. We just don’t ever really know ANYTHING until we ask.

Be well my friends. Thanks for reading, thanks for following me on  Facebook. Let me know your thoughts on this piece. I’ll leave you with this awesome clip to enjoy! 🙂

What He says vs. What He really Means!

Are We All Just Beggars Starving for Love?

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Are We All Just Beggars Starving for Love?

 It’s been raining all day. I’m sick and in bed. It’s been raining all day, and I’m sick and in bed. So what better time than now to write a blog. I went to a show last weekend and the venue permitted for ages 18(+) to attend. Most often than not I pass on these shows because people in their thirties should never be in a partying space with 18-year-olds, but at last we were put on “the list” so I rallied against my persistent inclination to want to stay in. There wasn’t anything remarkable about the night not even the music, but there was something that’s been kinda eating at me since. Specifically, the condition and the attire in which the 18 or 20 something year old girls were in. I hate to be the mom, but come on you cannot go to a show wearing just your bra and underwear with a flannel tied around your waste and not make yourself a target. I can go on about what I observed and how sad it made me but that’s not what this blog is about so I’ll tuck the future mom in me away for now. What the scene sparked in me was a curiosity, and it is that curiosity that I want to write about. That is, are we all just beggars starving for love?

In the book The Mastery of Love, by Don Miguel Ruiz (I will never stop referencing this book because for me it changed EVERYTHING), there is a chapter titled “The Magical Kitchen.” In it he presents a parable that is the catalyst for how I shifted my idea of love, and therefore how I carry myself. Although I will admit that investing in your self-esteem is an ongoing battle and it doesn’t matter how confident you can claim to be. Don Miguel compares our heart to a magical kitchen that has all the best food in the world and the supply is unending. You have enough food to give everyone and you can give generously because it brings you happiness and you could never run out. He goes on to say that if a person showed up at your door one day with pizza in his hands and offered you the pizza and in exchange you would just have to do everything he asks you to do, what would your reaction be? You would probably start laughing in shock. You have the best food in the world even pizza that is better than what he is offering so why would you trade that for someone’s dinky slice, right?

The parable goes on to say, that if you were to change the scenario and in it you hadn’t eaten in weeks and you were desperately starving if a person showed up with a slice of pizza and made you the same proposal without hesitation you would accept because you are starving and you’ll take what you can get. Now imagine that instead of food, we are talking about love. You have an abundance of love in your heart. You have love not just for yourself, but for the entire world. You love so much that you don’t need anyone’s love. You are a millionaire in love, and someone knocks on your door and says, “Hey, I have love for you here. You can have my love, if you just do whatever I want you to do.” If you are starving for love, and taste a little bit of that love, you are going to do whatever you can for that love. You can even be so needy that you give your soul just for a little attention. Your heart is like a magical kitchen. If you open your heart, you already have all the love you need. There’s no need to go around the world begging for love. “Someone please love me.”

I remember reading those words for the first time three years ago when I first picked up the book and since then I have read them endless of times and just like when I first read them they continue to pierce me because I continue to find myself in them to some capacity or another. The truth is maybe begging for love is more VISIBLE in the 18 to 2o something year olds as demonstrated this weekend, but how much does our starvation for love actually change as we get older? Certainly I have observed that our BEGGING FOR LOVE is present in the 20 something year olds, in the 30 something year olds, in the 40 something year olds, and on and on, it just might look a little differently as we get older. So are we doomed to be beggars for love forever? When does it change? Does it change after we have found our significant other? How about after marriage? Does it ever go away? Is there a healthy medium for needing love?

Most would agree that the older you get the more comfortable and confident you get with yourself. That has certainly been true for me. Turning thirty was a game changer. I think most women (not all) in their thirties would agree that your femininity takes on a certain embodiment of confidence and certainty you didn’t have in your twenties. I think this happens to guys when they’re in their forties if it didn’t happen to them in the last of their twenties. It’s just an observation. Although I think for most the confidence that comes with getting older is when your “begging for love” begins to decrease overcoming that need ISN’T a matter of age because it can’t be. It goes much deeper than that. Self-rejection is the main problem.

I’m borrowing words from Don Miguel again, “You are never going to be good enough for yourself when the idea of perfection is completely wrong. It is a false concept. It isn’t even real. But we believe it. If you can forgive yourself for not being what you wish to be you can change the way you go about love. Just because someone rejects you doesn’t mean you have to reject yourself. You need to love yourself, and the love will grow more and more. Then, when you enter a relationship, you don’t go into it because you need to be loved. It becomes a choice.”

So how do you stop being a beggar for love? I think the starting point and the ending point are one in the same: self-love. Self-love is when you come to terms with your worth, your beauty, what you have to offer someone, what you’re willing to wait for, how you allow others to treat you, how you look at yourself and therefore others, etc. etc. For me every relationship has taught me these things. Even in my latest relationship I struggled with certain aspects of these truths to the point that it shocked me, but the way I went about self-grace was different. Regardless of how confident I may be there are still days like today when I have to dig deep to find that confidence, and maybe that will never change. Maybe you have to have days where you struggle with your self-esteem because maybe that’s life’s way of keeping you humble. We’ve all seen what it looks like when there’s an absence of humility in a person who thinks he/she is the best thing that happened to this world… it’s not pretty and it’s not attractive (oh the paradox!).

My final thoughts are these: feed yourself daily with the kinda love that comes from within- that way you can began to lessen your starvation. Do the things you love because those add to your happiness. Work with yourself at every moment and chase your reactions when you’re triggered or your ego is being pressed- then your reactions will become less and less personal. Know that you have an abundance of love so you don’t need to protect or withhold love from anybody even if that person isn’t able to give you the same in return. Open up your magical kitchen and refuse walking around the world begging for love. Once we are able to accept ourselves, everything can start changing from that point forward.

Thanks for reading. Thanks for following. All my best to you.