What’s That Buzzing In My Brain?
Part One: Deep Connections
I’ll be honest this time it was me who fully set myself up to fuck myself! How was I supposed to know? It was only supposed to be a fun night, maybe two at most! But it turned out to be much more and I had no idea the magic would show up again so soon. I struggled to not title this piece, Part Three: “DAMN IT” of the series on Chemistry Part Two: Can You Trust it? as it can easily be a continuation, but at last I decided I’d make this a whole different thing because it is.
Last Friday night I went to watch The Nutcracker with a couple of ladies and I had every intention for my night to end there, but after the show I decided to stop by a friend’s Ugly Sweater Party before going home. From there everyone at the party decided they wanted to go out dancing so dancing we went. After, while waiting for my Uber to head home a guy with a charming face and a happy smile approached me and that’s actually all I remember about our first encounter was his smile. He was traveling along with two other guys, and well let’s just say I’ve never shied away from a foreigner accent. It seems like that whole night I just kept going with the current of what was unfolding and one place kept taking me to the next. When I finally did make it back home I had all three travelers with me we were like exhausted candles but refused to burn out. After an hour of more shenanigans they said goodnight and called for an Uber. It was to my great surprise to come downstairs the following morning and find them all sleeping on my coaches well most were on my coaches anyway. Perhaps for the first time in history not being able to access an Uber late at night has turned out to be the best and most beautiful misfortune because I was absolutely supposed to be meet these guys.
What was supposed to be one night turned into two which then turned into five (Oopsie). They changed their traveling plans and I changed my “living in Santa Cruz” plans while pretending I too was on vacation. By the afternoon of the second day I had made a connection with one of them. He was the one with my dumb sense of humor, and twin personality, and so how could I turn away? That afternoon we sat on my couch and watched hours of Big Mouth, an animated cartoon that is as funny as is inappropriate so watch it at your own discretion. As we sat together laughing he scooted closer to me and then I scooted closer to him until his arms were wrapped around me. It felt good. It felt familiar. It felt passionate and like something I didn’t want to shut down. If felt like the type of chemistry I call magic but I was confused because it had only been a few weeks since it had last been in my life so how could it be here again so quickly? I was freshly getting over my last momentary relationship so because of this I wasn’t quite sure how to respond, but I went with it, like I said it felt good.
Over the course of the next few days we did everything. I took them to a fancy dinner party that hosted about 50 people and everyone wanted to talk to the French guys it was an impeccable evening. After, we went to one of my soccer buddy’s holiday party and the foreigner and me danced closely for hours as the sweetness between us built. That night was magic! The following days I took them to places like Henry Cowells to see the Redwoods, we went to The Mystery Spot, we went out to eat, we went to karaoke for yet another holiday party where they met even more of my friends, we cooked dinner together, we took walks to catch the sunset, we did it all, but it wasn’t until we hit the soccer field together that my heart was stolen. What can I say? I will always be a sucker for a guy who can play like that. Yum! Nothing get’s sexier! Throughout our time we did not stop laughing, we built our own inside jokes, we would looked at each other tenderly, we cuddled, we kissed, we touched, it was all magic.
What’s also true is that we spent too much time together (ha ha!). When going about making deep connections with someone traveling one cannot spend that much time together that’s where I went wrong. It should have been a quick in and out, that’s what she said, a stupid joke he used so much we should probably retire it. Like I started out saying at the beginning of this blog this time it was me that completely fucked myself. It should have just been a day or two it should have never reached the amount of intimacy, care, and affection it did. I’ve traveled I know better, but I glued so seamlessly with him and with all of them I did not want it to stop, but it had to, and it did.
The night before he left we had an “interesting” conversation on my couch. I’m not quite sure how it even came up and I’m not quite sure if it even needed to come up but I respect his need to talk about it. He told me there was a girl back home he had met a couple of weeks before he left. He said that in the process of the last few days with me he had discovered that he had feelings for her. He told me that when he left to travel for three months he had no intentions of having feelings for her and that they were not together by any means. He told me he felt he could no longer be intimate with me because of this. He told me that this changed nothing about what we had lived together that it had all been real.
Well, pardon my French, but what the fuck? I was pissed and had every right to be. How could it not change everything? I felt robbed of the beautiful experience I had created with him. I felt cheated out of what I thought had been our sweet glimpse of romance. I told him it was pretty fucked up, and he agreed. I told him it would have been better if he didn’t tell me. I told him that it changed everything. This upset him. He insisted it did not change any of it and that we did have a connection and that what we had lived was real. He told me that he cared about me. None of that made sense to me anymore.
I asked him how long had he known he had feelings for her and he said within the last two days and that was the point that I lost it. For two days this guy had been in an inner struggle of having feelings for a woman while spending time with another. I told him that was pretty fucked up and that he should have told me sooner. He apologized and agreed that he should have told me sooner. It was too much for me to receive his apology at that time because all I could think about was how I felt cheated out of an experience I was sure I would cherish the rest of my life and if I would have known two days prior that he was starting to shift I too would have started withholding my affection and my touches from him. Instead I felt like an idiot who kept going at speed while he had already stopped that car all together. I felt vulnerable and hurt.
Here’s where the whole thing gets transparent and raw though. The brutal truth is that I know the precise moment when his energetic shift happened. I know where we were laying, what I felt and when I felt it, and when I knew there was something different and I said nothing I did nothing. I remember as it continued to build observing that his body language was different, his eyes were different his touch was different everything was different. It was all there for me but I just couldn’t accept it. I remember thinking, hmm maybe his heart is closed, when the truth is his heart wasn’t closed but he was closing it to me. How could he not he was starting to wrestle with discovering he had feelings for another girl. Maybe he did the best he could or maybe not but the truth is it doesn’t matter. What matters is what came to me as a result of going through this experience with him that’s the gem, but before we get to that let me tell you how we ended.
That night after our emotionally charged talk we found some crumbs of resolution and so I went to bed. Really early the following morning when I came back downstairs we snuggled for the very last time. It was tender, loving, and soft as it had been the first time. By late morning we all said our sweet goodbyes and they were gone.
Physically what I have left is a soccer ball they bought me the day before they left it was his idea to gift me this. On it they wrote a whole bunch of our inside jokes it’s probably the best gift I’ve received in years. I love sentimental and intentional things like that. Buying a soccer ball and taking it a step further by writing a bunch of cuteness on it not only speaks to the writer in me, the soccer nerd in me, but it also speaks to the softy in me. Although he absolutely should have told me about his dilemma earlier I’m not justifying the fact that he made the decision not to I am also at peace with it. I trust his intentions because I know his heart. This is not that type of guy to be ill intended or to try to just get something from me and I know that fully so our deep connection and fleeting romance stays sweet. It’s been a couple of days now since they’ve been gone. Spiritually what he gave me was a piece of the puzzle of love I had been missing. It’s the gem of it all so let me go back to the point now when I knew the exact moment he had shifted yet chose to ignore it. Find it in my next blog …
What’s That Buzzing in My Brain? Part Two: The Bottom Line